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Monday, August 10, 2015

In Competition With My Best Friend!

Like all girls my age, I had a best friend, two actually. One of which, I called my twin. I never thought we looked alike, but everyone else did. I guess it was because of our skin color, similar body types and hairstyles. We hung out everyday. She stayed at my house 24/7, we practically lived together.

Before I met her, I was the popular girl or so I thought. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. But as time went on, she secretly took my place. Everyone knew of her, especially the boys. I'm not boy crazy or anything, but the way she fed into the attention made me a little jealous. It seemed like guys were always complimenting her, buying her gifts and offering to take her out. I realized that I couldn't get upset because she was "like able".

These were our best friend rings.
But a time came where her dates and make-out sessions started to taunt me. I had a boyfriend, but it was hard managing our relationship because of the distance between us, but that's another story. It began to feel like my friend would rub her love life in my face and laugh because I didn't have one. It drove me to desperate measures. That's when I realized that I was in competition with my best friend. I wanted to be like her, yet somehow prove that I was better than her. I found myself dressing like her, talking like her, and acting like her. Many say I was her shadow. I never knew it, but behind my back she would refer to me her puppet. I thought I was trying to make guys like me, then it turned into me thinking that I wanted to make her think highly of me. I don't know what drug I was on, but I am so happy that I am no longer on it.


Saturday, August 8, 2015

An Outlet

Truly, I just need an outlet for my emotions. My diary can no longer hold how I feel. I've been looking for a friend, looking for someone to make me feel loved and accepted. Never got that from home. Now, I'm wishing I did. Then I wouldn't be out here, trying to get any and everyone to appreciate me and know my worth. I been looking for something to make me feel like I fit.

I felt so ugly and stupid. I pretended to be happy with myself, so others could be happy with me too. But where did that get me? Back to square one, lonely. This time, I've lost myself. I don't know where she went. Her soul forever lost in a sea of pain.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The James Blues

I'm your girl BUT...
Life goes on around me,
And I can't seem to participate. I experience all the emotions.
I don't want to go out..
I don't want to have fun..
I don't want to do a thing..
Until all is said & done
Jealousy is my mother...
Loneliness is my sister,
And sadness is my bestfriend.
There's nothing I can do but wait...
Something she didn't have to..

I'm YOUR girl BUT... I've never wrapped my arms around your snug physique.
I'm your girl BUT... I've never felt your kiss.
I'm your girl BUT... I've never held you close.
I'm your girl who always wakes up without you by her side.
I'm your girl BUT... she's the one all up in your face..
I'm your girl BUT... she's the one all up in your crib..
I'm your girl BUT... she's the one all in your whip.
I'm your girl BUT... she's the one you pick up at the train.
I'm your girl BUT... she's the one who got a weekend...
But I can't even get a day..
I'm your girl BUT... she's the one you were on the phone with...
I'm your girl BUT... I'm the one still waiting.
I dream about the day when I become that girl...

Sunday, September 1, 2013

A Place In This World

A Place In This World
Alone in the meadow, in the pouring rain,
I found a spot, that only rubs in the pain.
As I stumbled through in disbelief,
I found a place to showcase my sorrow, my grief.
Tears stain my cheeks,
Like the trees with their leaks.
It all comes out here,
It’s time to let it all out, sadness, pain and fear.

Memories

I Remember. . .
I remember that day, I got that call,
That day, I lost it all,
My whole world fell apart...
And broken was my heart.

I remember that day, you were taken from me,
Your beautiful face I would never again see.
Your calm, composure would never again be.
In your warm arms, I could never again flee...

I remember how you loved your old oak tree,
And how you hated the smell of a bee.
Wild flowers were always the best,
Everything else was just a plain mess...
I didn’t forget you...
I still remember...